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The Secret To Success In Courtship And Marriage, Sex And Happiness. (Part 1)
In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy . -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA. ...
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Heading back to the car after lunch, a good-looking guy with a swagger caught my attention. Or rather his t-shirt did! Emblazoned across his back were the words, 'I create the havoc that keeps me from my destiny.' These words have a touch of irony about ...
Where's Your Happiness Hiding?
It's no accident that certain stories rivet our attention. Listening to these tales with perked “inner ears" alerts us to possibilities we've never considered before. Reading these stories with keen “inner sight" awakens us to previously ...
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Is it possible to be using our children addictively?
Anything that we use to get love, avoid pain, and fill up inner emptiness can become an addiction – even our children! If your children are your whole life – if you don’t have a strong spiritual connection with a personal source of love and guidance, as well as other relationships and interests that you are passionate about, you might be using your children to fill an empty place within you.
If you don’t have a partner or your relationship with your partner is not fulfilling to you, and you don’t have deeply connected and meaningful friendships, then you might be using your kids as your major emotional connection. If you don’t have hobbies or work that are compelling and fulfilling to you, you might be using your children to give meaning to your life. If you don’t have a daily spiritual practice that brings love and comfort to your soul, you might be using your children to fill this need.
If this is what you are doing, it is not good for your children. It is a huge burden on children to be responsible for their parent’s loneliness and sense of purpose. Children who feel this responsibility often become caretakers, giving themselves up to take care of a parent. On the other hand, a child burdened with this responsibility may rebel and distance from the parent, spending less and less time at home to avoid the burden of the parent’s emptiness.
I grew up as an only child with a mother who had nothing fulfilling in her life – other than me. Her whole focus was on me, and because I couldn’t possibly fill her up in the way she needed to be filled, she was often angry at me. I became a good little girl, a good caretaker of my mother, but the result was that I was a nervous and unhappy child, and wanted to be away from my house as much as possible.
Our children need to be a part of our life, not our whole life. We need to role-model for them what it looks like to take personal responsibility for filling ourselves up. We need to show them what it looks like to take responsibility for making ourselves happy, rather than rely on them for our happiness. Your children want to know that they are important to you, but not so important that your well-being
is dependent upon them. You might want to explore the following questions to see if you may be using your children addictively:
- Do you have a solid spiritual practice that fills you with a sense of peace and gives meaning to your life?
- Are you expressing your particular talents in a way that feels meaningful and productive to you and gives you a sense of fulfillment?
- Do you have fulfilling emotional connections with other adults – a partner, other family members or friends?
If you answered “yes” to these, then you are probably not using your children addictively.
- Do you feel bored and useless when your children are not around? Is it your children that give your life meaning?
- Is your sense of worth attached to your children’s achievements? Do you tend to take it personally if one of your children has a problem?
- Are you over-involved in your children’s lives?
- Are you overly sensitive if one of our children is angry or distant? Do you find yourself trying to pacify your children rather than set appropriate limits in order to avoid their rejection?
- Did you choose to have children to share the fullness of your love or did you have children in the hopes of getting love from them?
If you answered “yes” to one or more of these, then there is a good possibility that you are using your children addictively. If this is the case, the best thing you can do for you and your children is to move yourself toward a solid spiritual practice, look for meaningful ways of expressing your talents, and develop emotional connection and support from other adults.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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'Happiness Is a Chemical in the Brain': reviewSan Francisco ChronicleThis story is exclusive to the Chronicle's Sunday print edition and will not appear on SFGate.com until 3:00 AM on Monday, May 28. To read this and other exclusive print stories today, subscribe to The Chronicle's iPad app by visiting ...and more » |
Bloomberg |
World's Happiest CountriesBloombergBy Andy Reinhardt - 2012-05-25T15:21:49Z People all over the world are fascinated by happiness rankings and how their own countries fare in global league tables. In some places, such as Britain, ratings of national well-being aren't just a matter for ... |
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Olympics-Happiness for Bhutan Olympians is not goldenReutersNeither Sherab nor Kunzang expect to win medals for Bhutan, an impoverished, largely Buddhist country between India and China which only opened up to foreigners in 1974, banned television until 1999, and uses happiness to measure its success. |
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